Minsky’s Sucks

Minsky’s is a popular “gourmet” pizza chain in Kansas City. There are nearly 20 locations. Many, many people here love Minsky’s Pizza. They love the pizza itself, they love the dining experience, but more than anything, they love the idea of calling a pizza “gourmet,” and then consuming that pizza, because it is topped with whole tomato slices and seems fancier than Little Caesars. To speak poorly of Minsky’s is a minor local cultural affront, instantly branding the declarant as a needlessly contrarian asshole. But negativity is sometimes warranted, particularly in the context of grotesquely overrated food. Because hidden beneath that whole tomato slice is a dark and undeniable truth. Minsky’s sucks.

To understand why, you need only examine the utter incongruity between how Minsky’s markets itself and how Minsky’s pizza tastes. Here is what Minsky’s says: “At Minsky’s, ‘Gourmet, and going to stay that way’ is more than just a slogan. Our savory pizzas begin with hand-rolled dough layered with generous portions of the finest meats, fresh-cut vegetables, aromatic herbs and topped with 100% Wisconsin mozzarella, then baked to perfection. Every bite is loaded with flavor!” (emphasis in original).

Let’s take this point by point. For reference, here is an example pizza – a basic pepperoni pizza requested by my children.

• “Our savory pizzas begin with hand-rolled dough…” I mean, okay – this is a fine start. Let’s take them at their word. What do they do with their hand-rolled dough?

• “…layered with generous portions of the finest meats, fresh-cut vegetables, aromatic herbs and topped with 100% Wisconsin mozzarella…” This, also, is actually true! Well, somewhat true. I would argue there are merely average portions of meats, vegetables, and herbs, but an obscene over-abundance of mozzarella. This is the first of many problems with a Minsky’s pizza. There is far, far too much cheese. If I want an overloaded pizza whose cheese will slosh over the crust during delivery and stick in my throat, I will pay far less than $21 for a large and order Papa Johns.

• “…then baked to perfection!” This is false – just undeniably false! What a bunch of liars! The crust is chewy and not in a good way – I mean, just look at that slice at the top of the post! That is not a nicely baked slice of pizza!

• “Every bite is loaded with flavor!” FALSE! UTTERLY FALSE! It’s difficult to describe how offended you’d be if you read that sentence while eating a slice of Minsky’s. True story: After eating Minsky’s once and disliking it, my family decided to take another swing. My wife asked “hey, do you think you can ask them to season their sauce? Like, just add a little salt? It was really bland last time.” And so I called Minsky’s, and asked if they had a tomato sauce, other than their standard sauce, that was maybe a little “bolder” or “more robust.” The answer, as you might expect, was no. Even pizzas whose ingredients make them sound like they should be loaded with flavor are not, in fact, loaded with flavor, and in fact, ordering a Thai pizza with a spicy peanut sauce that is neither spicy nor flavorful is even more frustrating than ordering a bland pizza whose ingredients lead you to expect it will be bland.

It is really inexcusable that anyone is eating Minsky’s pizza tonight instead of the wealth of actually gourmet pizza that exists in this city. I mean, how about the very nicely executed and flavorful Neapolitan-adjacent pizzas at Bella Napoli, Clay & Fire, or 1889? I actually ate at at 1889 tonight! Check out this pizza! I mean just look at this pizza! WARNING. THIS IS NOT A MINSKY’S PIZZA. THIS IS AN 1889 PIZZA. IT IS SHOWN HERE TO ILLUSTRATE WHAT PIZZA YOU COULD BE EATING INSTEAD OF MINSKY’S TONIGHT.

I once stood behind a woman at a liquor store who called Minsky’s “Joe’s KC BBQ Pizza” (a pizza topped with barbecued meat from Joe’s, one of the best BBQ restaurants in the city) “heavenly” and “the best pizza [she’d] ever had.” While it is true that the toppings on that pizza were delicious, she was wrong about the pizza itself, which was sloppy, poorly proportioned, and overpriced. That pizza was “delicious” in the way that bowling alley pizza topped with caviar is “delicious.” Minsky’s sucks.